Tanya’s Tips for Taking Better Dick Pics

There are a lot of people on the internet having opinions about whether or not a guy ought to slide into someone’s DMs with a picture of his dick (quick summary: no, not unless invited to do so), but insufficient information about how to take a good one. This tweet sums up the situation nicely:

women’s nudes: here’s me in $95 lingerie, lounging in front of an ornate mirror during golden hour  vs. men’s nudes: here’s a Snapchat quality pic of my dick next to an empty can of sour cream & onion pringle’s

For a brief period of my life, I engaged in casual sexual encounters with men I met on the internet, and in that context, I didn’t mind receiving a dick pic prior to firming up (heh heh) our appointment. Nothing’s worse than that first disappointing look at sub-standard equipment. But I have to say that most of the photos I got didn’t really sell the goods. So here are Tanya’s Tips for Taking Better Dick Pics:

🌟 Take your pants off: All the way off. Don’t just push them down far enough to get to the goods. Nothing says “I’ll be zipped up and out the door before you even know I was there” like a guy who can’t get bother to get undressed for the money shot

🌟 One word: foreshortening: Don’t take a picture of your dick pushed straight out in front of you from above. It looks like it’s about 2 inches long with no head on it. Try to get the camera eye-level with it from the side

🌟 Go hands-free: Keep your hand out of the shot as much as possible. Your hand is subtracting length

🌟 Be hard: All the way hard. How does this not go without saying?

🌟 There shouldn’t be anyone else in your photo: Here’s my reaction to people with unrecognizable faces: “Oh she loved it. Gee, I bet I’ll love it too. Too bad I can’t see it because it’s buried in her mouth/pussy. Hey, maybe I should fuck her. She looks like a good lay.” Here’s my reaction to people with recognizable faces: “Like you’ve got a chance in hell of getting near me with a camera.”

🌟 Learn to measure: You don’t get to start from your anus. We know you’re lying anyway, but when you send a measurement and a photo in the same email, we have proof. You might also want to re-think having anything in the background of the picture that overshadows your dick. The above-mentioned Pringles can, for instance

🌟 Give it some grooming: Now, I’m not insisting on a totally-bare prepubescent look, but if there’s hair crawling up the shaft, it’s time to get out the weed whacker. If nothing else, shaving will add an inch

🌟 Consider whether this is really your best asset: Some of those dicks are damn ugly. Why are you so proud of them? I’m talking shriveled, bumpy, tiny-headed, discolored, crooked monstrosities. Maybe go with your strengths and leave your dick as a surprise

🌟 I don’t believe you: Back in my dick pic days, I would occasionally receive a photo of a big, well-formed, smooth cock at hard attention attached to a gleaming tan torso with washboard abs. Those were nice photos, but the emails they were attached to went straight into the trash. Men who send male-model-quality photos don’t show up to fuck, because their photos come from porn sites, not from their own personages. So if you really do look like a porn star, I suggest including a sign in your photo with your username or the username of the person you’re sending it to. Just make sure it doesn’t block any of the good bits

Remember, a dick doesn’t have to be pretty to do its job (or big either), but if you’re going to flash it around, make the most of it. I leave you with one of the nicest dick pics I’ve seen in a while. This dick came dressed to play, damn. Jewelry aside, it’s just nice. (link is NSFW) https://twitter.com/RiclvsU/status/568379922345037824

3 comments

  1. This is hilarious and packed with truth. Why do all men seem to think their dick is the most fabulous thing on the planet. Personally, unless you’re about to do me with it, I don’t want to see it. I might want to hold it, or taste it, or play with it when the time comes, but for the love of God, don’t send me a pic of it before we’ve even met.

    Thankfully, I’ve been married long enough to have skipped online dating, because poorly done unsolicited dick pics would just make me laugh. And it seems those are in the majority. Thanks for posting such good advice!

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