Bad Writing Advice

There are a thousand articles out there that give what they claim to be good writing advice. Is the advice really good? Who knows. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. So instead of giving good advice, I decided to give bad advice. I posted on FB offering my bad advice to all takers, and here are the results:

What’s more important? Getting a sexy cover or deleting all my adverbs?

You know what makes a really sexy cover? Adverbs. Just a string of adverbs, like shirtlessly and absfully.

How do I overcome writing anxiety?

There’s a long tradition of using whiskey. Pour directly into your keyboard until words appear. If the words don’t make sense, try pouring more whiskey into your throat until they do.

How long should my novel be?

I usually go with 8.5″ but I’ve heard 9″ has become very popular. You didn’t ask how wide it should be, but aim for five to six inches.

How do I write an epic book?

In rhyme.

What do readers really want these days?

Same thing as all of us: toilet paper and to leave the house

How do I choose the best names for my characters?

Here’s how I do it: Steve. No, I used Steve last time. John. No, I already have a J name. Ted. Wait, isn’t that the MC’s best friend’s brother’s name? Bob. Except I work with a guy named Bob. I can’t write sex scenes about a guy named Bob. Harrison. No, too fancy. Harold. No, too old. Harry. No, Harry is either a prince or Daniel Radcliffe. Oh, I know! Steve.

How do I write the plural of alpha? Is it alpha’s or alphas.

Badasses. I’ll also accept tops.

This story has three main characters. Should I make it from the dog’s POV?

If your story has three main characters, shouldn’t there be three dogs? That aside, it’s a little known fact that POV stands for the original Latin Personage of Voyeurism. Or in English, person who’s watching. Which means the POV must be a person. I’d still add two dogs though.

How do I write a good sex scene?

One-handed 😉

How do I beat procrastination?

Before beating procrastination, you and procrastination should sit down with a kink list, examples of which can be downloaded off the internet. Each of you should indicate your respective likes and dislikes, including hard and soft limits. This will inform you of the best way in which to beat it. Be sure to check in frequently while beating it. I suggest standard stoplight colors with new partners, but in time you may come to know procrastination well enough to beat it less formally

How do I write a good blurb?

Paragraph 1: Introduce the first MC, giving his Meyers Brigg personality type, his astrological sign, his birth order, and his place in the omega/twink/twunk/otter/bear/alpha hierarchy. List the 5 celebrities on his sexual hall pass.

Paragraph 2: Repeat for second MC

Paragraph 3: Describe your world’s system of government and explain how it has evolved over the last three centuries using your world’s native language

I realize this may seem like a lot, but if you’ve been completing your character worksheets and world-building templates, you should have all this information at your fingertips, making the process quite simple. Good luck.

Whats your advice on how to title a book?

I call them all Steve.

How do I stop getting intimidated by all the other brilliant writers?

Remember that brilliant writers are just like us. They write their monthly best sellers the same way we do—at the rate of 5,000 words per hour.

What genre should I write in?

Existential dread is the new romcom.

How to come up with a good plot?

First you’ll want to pick out all the stones. Then, hitch up your mules and give it a good plowing. Finally, add some seed.

How do I implement tacos into each book?

Did you know that before Amazon ruined everything, books actually came in taco form? Amazon couldn‘t figure out how to ship them without the shells cracking, so they changed the format to the paper we’re accustomed to today. So the answer is to publish through Draft2Digital which will automatically convert your book from paper to taco.

Do I really need an editor?

Since there weren‘t any typos in your question, the answer seems to be no.

I have an idea for a best seller. Who should I get to write it for me?

Your best bet is to find someone with a history of writing best sellers.

How can I write good characters?

The most important thing about a character is its name. Search high and low, through every baby naming site, until you find the one that perfectly encapsulates your character so strongly that you don’t need to infuse any personality into your actual writing. Then decide whether your character’s eyes are cerulean blue, emerald green, amethyst purple, or silver grey, and you’re done

How can I stop being the comma queen?

Have you considered being the comma king? Fuck the patriarchy.

Why do vampire stories always suck?

Vampire stories suck in a good way. For reference, see our anthology Working Stiffs which benefits the WHO’s COVID-19 Response Fund.

How long should a chapter be?

The formula is thus: total word count divided by POV chars plus the greater of sex scenes or number of cute kids/pets.

How do you come up with a blurb?

Since I already answered that question , I’m going to answer a completely unrelated question: yellow, but helicopters will work too.

How do I start writing my book?

Once upon a time…

You’re on your own from there

How do I finish writing my book?

Wherever you are, write “and then they were all eaten by a T-Rex. The end.” Voila!

How do I fix my first draft so it’s not a dumpster fire?

My editing process goes like this: stare at a sentence for five minutes, change one word, browse social media for ten minutes, move on to the next sentence and realize I already used that word.

I hope you found my advice helpful or at least got a little laugh. Good luck with your writing. We all need it.

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